my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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