Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
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