Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
