it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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