I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
