he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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