Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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