Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
