Jerry, you need to find god
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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