just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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