I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
