You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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