Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
