I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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