last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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