Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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