I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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