you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
