Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
