I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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