Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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