my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
