Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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