i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I am naked and annoyed.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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