my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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