I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
