You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
