whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
