I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
