so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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