Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
