it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
