i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
