ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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