he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
