Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
now i know why i became what i already was.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
