dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
