he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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