I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
