Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
