I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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