After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
