I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
