I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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