apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
