when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
