My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She even gives head with a lisp.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
