is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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