Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
