I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
