Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
