Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
