I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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