I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
