I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
