mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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