remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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