I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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